In the 1990s, I read an article by Ann S. Burdon titled “Why Did We Start With a Single Child?” in which she discusses why more and better reproductive technologies made possible the increasing number of single parenthood. She argues that technology has allowed people to have children with much fewer partners. These “more equal unions” can be measured based on such things as divorce rates, marital stability, access to contraception, etc.. In contrast to my own experience, where my first pregnancy resulted in one of two outcomes for me – a full-time job or not working at all, in which case it didn’t matter what happened to my kids: they either went to college which was unaffordable for me or to live with their grandparents. The other option – that is a single parent – brought some very different challenges for me. It was just so challenging to make sure that I kept up with financial and emotional needs for my sons while also maintaining this lifestyle. A good friend of mine (I call him John) got married after having three children, which came from his first marriage. And it was something similar to how Ann described her family: he had only two wives and divorced twice. As John told me later, having multiple marriages wasn’t necessarily the reason for the increased number of people opting out of having children now. But he knew these days many women were looking ahead to their first marriage being over, which likely contributed to the dramatic increase in the rate of cohabitation in recent years. In short, we are in the midst of massive fertility declines due to rising rates of infertility. If you look at data from Canada’s birth rate survey, there’s been a steady decline in both single-parent families and households headed by mothers and fathers of young children since 1979. In fact, according to Statistics Canada data, there are approximately 20,000 less families each year than there were forty years ago. What does all of this mean, if not for the individual who is experiencing it? First off, it means one thing, which is that these declining couples are choosing to maintain this kind of arrangement with one spouse rather than finding another arrangement that would be sustainable. Another is that we are witnessing a real change in our view of marriage, in which the role of the wife will increasingly become limited, if not nonexistent. There will be no such thing as happily married parents anymore. However, this decline isn’t confined to Canadian statistics, as studies indicate that around half of all American men are living unhappy lives in which they don’t feel happy in either their marriage or their overall employment situation. This is really bad news for anyone considering starting a relationship with someone they perceive as potentially incompatible or even cheating on them. So while these changes in society impact us, they really have an effect on those who are the most affected. For example, those living with low incomes could well be feeling frustrated that their chances of getting pregnant or raising younger children are limited, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t affected by the shift. Similarly, gay or straight men can find themselves losing out on important connections with family members because they can’t date who they normally want or who they normally associate with. At least, I think this is a fair assessment, given that I’ve heard from friends who recently lost their partner just because they couldn’t marry who they wanted. Now, obviously, we know that couples who are together often choose to stay together, regardless of whether their union would be good for their personal development. After all, marriage offers us security for our children. While you have the choice between going through life without your ex or keeping the connection that matters between you and your significant other, there is plenty of time for divorce. Instead of wasting it on legal battles, however, it might be worthwhile for you to simply give yourself and your partner as much time as possible to explore new relationships and begin building the kind of love that you know you deserve. And for heaven’s sake, remember about making sure that your home life stays organized! Or maybe try doing weekly housekeeping tasks for a couple of hours, which you probably won’t want to spend every weekend cleaning.
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